Hi and welcome to another article by Martha!
Friday, 21st August 2020
You probably haven't seen an article by me in a long time. I lately feel quite lost, I can't figure out myself and feel stressed with no apparent reason. I have no idea what to write and even if I do, I end up rejecting it because, who wants to read to my articles anyway? I don't want to be a whiner and I don't want to give off the impression that I'm fishing for compliments, but I just wanted to let my heart out on this article and explain my rather unprecedented silence.
I wanted to make this article less formal and my thoughts will still be all over the place. Since mid July I've been struggling to come to terms with my own self, perhaps because of my inexplicable fear of change and my constantly developing personality. I've been bombarded with so many questions, self-doubt, fear that I have lost my originality that I wonder if I even had at the first place and I try to figure out if I'm even myself anymore.
Lately I've come across so many different interests of mine that I try to attune with my older ones. What I'm talking about will seem completely indistinct and unspecified so I;m going to give and example. After watching Avatar the Last Airbender I decided to hop in the wagon of anime shows and start Hunter x Hunter, since it has caught my interest for a while. I'm currently on the 26th episode and even though I'm swarming with love about it (and Killua) (I'm 14), it has made me thought about myself. I feel like instead of building up my personality and expanding my horizons, I'm creating a fake persona to display, in order to collect positive reactions that I don't even need.
bra, girl, and lace image
On the other hand, I re-installed Tik Tok which has made me feel worse about myself. I don't know if I'm qualified to be a fan, because I keep discovering new songs, old fans don't "claim" new ones because they discovered something when it blew up, I don't know all the lyrics of all songs, I don't know at what time of the day the artist goes to the restroom and what their supermarket order is. At this point it seems like I'm taking a history exam rather than enjoying learning more about my favourite artists. I also came across many gatekeepers, especially Tyler, the Creator fans, who claim that you're a fake fan if this is your favourite song, or anime lovers who bash some for being new anime watchers.
I also feel like I've become very loose with my education. I have the impression that since focusing on more extracurricular activities and new hobbies I have strayed away from school and learning. I keep discovering new interests and pay less attention to school, but I don't have lower grades and my teachers have no concern about me.
I'm going to take a break. I will still keep writing my articles on @thehoneyclub but I will be much less active on my account. I'm sorry for letting you down and thank you for reading this. I haven't mentioned everything and I'm also disappointed in myself, I hope I can find some inspiration and find something qualitative enough.
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